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   If you perceive the extramarital relationship to be a very stable one leading to marriage, and you elect to ignore my advice, remember that you have been warned. Do not involve the paramour in your child's life. Regardless of how much the new love object purportedly cares for your child, limit your contact with the boy/girlfriend to times when the child is with the other parent. Your paramour's lifestyle, behavior, marital status, and indeed relationship with his/her own children, will come under scrutiny in your custody case.

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   If you're the visiting parent, you have the right to contact the school and ask that you be contacted about parent-teacher conferences and the child's school records. Do so. Don't place all of the responsibility upon your spouse to let you know. Take an active part in the child's education.

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   As a single parent, you need a break from the child. And the child needs a break from you. In an intact family, both parents relieve one another from the constant demands of the child. In a divorce situation, the appropriate relief is visitation with the other parent.

   If you are the visiting parent, pick up the child on time. Return the child on time. If you're going to be unexpectedly late, call. Don't demand that the child keep toys and clothing at your house, just because you purchased them. After all, those items are the child's not yours.

   A medical condition short of hospitalization is no excuse for denying visitation. The visiting parent can, and should, assume some of the responsibility of caring for a sick child.

   Do not use the child as an intermediary to carry messages between you and your spouse. You're an adult. You know how to communicate.

   Visitation is not a time to revisit disputes with your spouse. It's your time with your child. Use it for that. This is not the time to introduce the child to your new love match.

   Do not pump your child for information about life in the other parent's home. If it's worth telling, the child will tell you. Did you tell your parents everything that went on when you were 8 or 12 years old? Remember how you replied "Oh nothing" to your mother, when she asked you what you did in school?

   Do not ask your child to keep secrets about what takes place in your home.

   You do not have the right to refuse visitation because the other parent hasn't paid child support. The two issues are not related. You have a remedy for nonpayment of child support. You can lose physical care of your child if you deny court-ordered visitation.

   Don't get too upset about your child's behavior at the beginning or end of each visit. The child's cries at the end of a visit are perceived by the physical custodian as tears of joy at being reunited with the parent, and the same outburst is viewed by the visiting parent as tears of sadness at the separation. Plan some kind of activity to allow the child to "wind down."

   It's not the end of the world if the child misses a Little League ball game or Sunday School because it took place during the other spouse's visit.

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   Child support is money you have paid to the court (if an order has been entered) or money paid directly to the spouse for the child's support. Child support is not a Schwinn bicycle or Nike shoes that you bought the child during the weekend visit. It is the money that puts bread on the table and pays the rent.

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   You are making the same adjustments in your life day by day as a divorcing parent as you did as a new parent. Be the best parent for your child in all aspects of your life. Your child will undoubtedly divorce, end a relationship, or quit a job sometime in his or her life. The example you give your child as a divorcing parent is as important as the rest of the "good examples" you try to give your child.